“I Won’t Grow Up” is a featured song in the 1954 Broadway musical, Peter Pan. The children, Wendy, Michael, and John, were not babies in the play, just children. Peter, although child-like, could not be considered a baby either. Everyone, except Peter of course, did grow up. When the adult Wendy and Peter met in the last scene, only Peter is saddened over Wendy’s transition into a young lady. Wendy realizes life offers more than childhood, although she retains fond memories of being a girl.

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The scientific answer to why babies grow up is dull. It involves genes, chromosomes, mitochondria, and other cellular components. Babies grow up because Mother Nature made them that way. It is a better choice than ‘growing younger’, as the wizard Merlin in Camelot. When we ask, ‘why do babies grow up’, we are not seeking a scientific answer; we are seeking a philosophical or metaphysical resolution.

A more fundamental question is why babies at all? Why could Mother Nature not replicate humans as they approach the peak of their mental and physical powers? The answer is that humans come into this world as babies not for their own sake, but for the sake of their parents. There is not greater bond than between parent and child; as there is no greater devastation than the death of a child, especially a young child. The bond on the part of the parent is created automatically at the baby’s birth. On the other hand, the bond of the child to the parent develops over the first few nurturing months and years.

There is something about a baby that elicits love from healthy adults. Emotions flow from strangers just at the sight of an infant. This allows parents who adopt babies to experience the same bonding as natural parents. Without babies, humans would never experience the most intense attachments afforded by their species. In most cases, these bonds are bi-directional and lifelong.

If babies are the source of such intense positive feelings, why do babies grow up? To answer this question, one must keep in mind that babies grow up gradually. A parent does not put the baby down in his or her crib one night and find a grown adult, complete with iPod, the next morning. Babies become toddlers. Toddlers mature and are ready for pre-school. Grade school, middle school, high school, college and graduate school, flow one into another. The baby, now a career man or career woman, visits his or her parents on holidays. Baby now has more gadgets than his parents, and also a better grasp of the latest technology. How did this all happen?

Parents are always amazed by changes in their baby. First word, first steps, first report card are greeted as utterly unique events; as if no one in the entire history of this planet has had a baby who pulled himself off the floor to take his first steps. One of the seldom noticed benefits for parents of focusing on their ever-changing baby is that the parents tend to not notice the changes happening in their own bodies. While the baby is growing up, the parents fail to notice that they are growing old.

Adults, who do not have a baby, focus on their own aging bodies. Thirty becomes a major crisis as these childless adults realize that they are beyond their peak. They invest in diets, gyms, and supplements in the hopeless pursuit of staying young. Watching a baby grow up makes the parent forget about his or her own advancing years.

Adults, who have had a baby, eventually realize that their bodies have aged. However, this happens around the age of fifty rather than thirty. The children have left the nest, as the saying goes. Now the parents are in the same situation as the childless couple. With no children to worry about, the fifty-year-old parents start to worry about themselves.

Ponder this horrible situation. A baby is separated from his or her parents. The parents and child are reunited after twenty or more years. The baby is now full grown. Although the parents would intellectually accept this adult as their child, they would have to reform the emotional bonds.

Of course, this is not the rule. Children mature in sight of their parents. As the baby matures, the parent’s love is transferred to the new person who is emerging in front of their eyes. They will love their toddler, even if they never could stand a toddler they encountered in a supermarket. A baby’s gradual growth will expand the love and tolerance of the parents. A mother may become a baseball fan once she drives her son to Little League. If the baby is a girl, the mother will become a softball fan.

As a baby grows, his or her parents will be allowed a second childhood of their own. Dads will play with Legos. Mom will get into costume for Halloween. Easter egg hunts can be enjoyed by the parents as well as the children for a couple of years. In spite of the advertisements to the contrary, a child is necessary to visit Disneyland.

A baby has no real friends of his own. A child, on the other hand, effortlessly befriends other children of the same age. As a child expands his or her circle of friends, the parent’s social circle also widens. The parents of their child’s friends become their friends.

The real reason that babies must grow up is so that they also can become parents. This is not some continuation of the species point of view. It would be extraordinarily unfair if Mother Nature kept a baby forever a baby. After giving so much joy and hope to his parents, his friends, and the parents of his friends, shouldn’t the baby have the chance to be the parent?

Or we could take the scientific view. Babies are destined by evolution to grow up, reproduce, and grow old. Babies grow up because countless trillions of random events have resulted in a species that matures from a baby to an adult. A baby grows up for the same reason that water flows downhill. There is no reason. Everything is random and there is no purpose in life. If you believe this last paragraph, I feel sorry for you.

I can’t say that no one ever thought that children were young adults – people very obviously did. But, on the other hand, child development has been a topic of study since ancient times, so there was no certain point in human history that we suddenly realized that children were different than adults. If you go on social and materialistic depravity, you cannot find a distinction between the classes saying that one thought children were little adults and the other did not. Though many times, children of lower class families were expected to take on the roles of adults at an earlier age, you can say that this was not out of lack of knowledge of child psychology, but out of necessity to survive. Work needed to be done. People needed to be fed, clothed, and sheltered. Hands, feet, and whole bodies were needed for that, no matter what size.

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For the upper-class, it was a different story. Some children were spoiled and allowed to be idle, while others were forced through severe educational and social structures. Then again, some parents and guardians simply did not have the time, patience, or will to deal with child psychology and adamantly, harshly, or even violently forced adult expectations on children. The field of child psychology and development has been a subject of study for as long as there have been children and, like children, it has gone through many stages in its growth.

Ancient Greece

Aristotle and Plato played a major role in child development in these times. Plato’s views on infancy (age newborn to three) were very simple: if a baby cries, it wants something. If it quiets down when you give it something, you have found what it wants. If it cries, then it wants something else. Current child psychologists would say that this is certainly an oversimplification.

Plato shared in Aristotle’s fascination with philosophy and his simple view on childhood. He said that until the child develops the right proportions both physically and psychologically, they cannot function as an adult. That is, they cannot walk when born because their heads are too big and their legs are too small. Their brains are not developed, and until they are, they cannot speak, use complex reasoning, or perform other higher functions. But psychologists could not leave it at that.

Child Development in the Early 1900′s

While child psychology has been around since ancient times, most Child Development history classes don’t begin their studies until the early 1900′s as this was the time for the most revolutionary changes in the thought process surrounding this subject. The most famous child psychologists of this time were Sigmund Freud, Erik Erikson, and Jean Piaget.

Sigmund Freud: His theory was based on sexually represented stages based on urges and was called Freud’s Theory of Psychosexual Development. His actually studies were of abnormal subjects, and created his theory through exclusion of the normal versus inclusion. Therefore, whatever was excluded from the normal, or socially unaccepted, was considered normal. In order for an individual to be normal, the subject had to successfully pass through the sexually based stages. If they did not, they got stuck in that stage until they acquired the skills to move on. For example, if the subject did not make it through the Phallic Stage, they will remain arrogant, reckless, vain, and prideful.

Erik Erikson: Erikson proposed stages of psychological development that spanned throughout a person’s lifetime. Each stage comprised of a certain conflict that that the individual had to overcome. If the person did not overcome this conflict, they would be stuck at that stage. His first stage was ‘Trust vs. Mistrust.’ This stage was the fundamental stage of all life. It occurred in the first year of life. Failing to successfully overcome this conflict, the child will remain afraid of and mistrustful of the world around it. The other stage, the last in his stages for early childhood, is referred to as ‘Autonomy vs. Shame and Doubt.’ This stage is fairly self explanatory: the child learns control over self resulting in confidence and self-esteem, the failure of this stage results in the opposite.

Jean Piaget: Piaget took a more accumulative approach to child development. He approached development from a cognitive stand point. He stated that children actively seek out ways to learn and interact with their environment and accumulate knowledge and development. He believed those stages of development included: Schemas, assimilation, and accommodation.

Modern Child Psychology

Modern child psychology has concentrated more on social development, the most important of these theories being:

The Attachment Theory (John Bowlby): This theory is based on caregiver relationships from infancy to late childhood. The most important time for this theory is the period after birth. According to this theory, if the child/caregiver has a healthy bond, they feel secure and confident. The key characteristics of attachment include: proximity maintenance, safe haven, secure base, and separation distress.

Social Learning Theory (Albert Bandura): This theory reiterated the belief that children learn from observing and external reaction, but it also added a new dimension. She stated that children can also learn through the feelings that actions create within themselves. A child can feel self-pride and self-satisfaction which is also a key in learning and development.

Sociocultural Theory (Leg Vygotsky): This theory states that hands-on learning is the most effective form of learning and that parents, caregivers, and teachers are responsible for this development.

New does not mean better; complex does not mean correct, and vice-versa. When making any decision, this needs to be kept in mind. Unfortunately, parents have been bombarded at every point in time to apply the newest theories in parenting. But parents hopefully made it through the stages of development that helped them stand on their own two feet and make their own decisions. Besides, do these theories necessarily have to be put into words for the ordinary person, or are they simply a vocalization of scientific interest? Do any of these theories and practices that they suggested just come plain naturally? Is common sense still dependable? You make your choice.

How to Reduce Separation Anxiety

The separation anxiety that a baby or toddler experiences is perfectly normal.  Separation anxiety is part of a normal development for most children.  It can begin around 6 months of age, but usually occurs and peaks around 14-18 months of age.   By this age, he or she has developed a strong bond with a caregiver. Frequently, this is the mother.  She is the one who provides for the baby’s needs of food, comfort, and love.  It makes sense to feel anxious when separated from this person.

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How does Separation Anxiety happen?

Separation anxiety happens when babies begin to understand that they are a separate being from their primary care giver. This is also the part of a child’s development when he or she learns that objects do not disappear just because they cannot be seen or heard. Separation anxiety is the result of the child’s sense of self coming into conflict with the sense of loss at the disappearance of a primary care giver and security.

A parent who is leaving a baby might feel a sense of separation anxiety also.  Questions are numerous.  Will my baby miss me?  Will he know I am even gone?  Will the sitter remember to feed him?  Will the sitter remember how I use powder and diaper cream when I change diapers?  Will the sitter remember his favorite songs?  Will the sitter be able to reach me if something happens?  Will I miss a milestone?  Do I really need to go? A good caregiver will understand the parent’s anxiety and will work to reassure the parent before the separation and when the parent calls.

Children are able to sense their parents’ anxieties. The children will internalize the feeling ‘even Mom and Dad are nervous about leaving me and my security.  I should be worried more.’ It is important for the parent to remain in control and try to hide any anxieties. The parent should say ‘goodbye’ calmly, holding back the tears until the child cannot see them.  The parent should reassure the child about returning and then leave.  The child needs to know that the goodbye has meaning, that he cannot change his parent’s leaving.  Having a routine is helpful also.

When my son was going through his separation anxiety stage, we developed a sign that we still use today in his teenage years.  The only difference is that it is done in a way that his peers can’t see it. His day care provider was a friend from church. We knew she would care for him before he was born.  Her house has a large picture window by the front door.  When it was time for me to leave for work, I would hug him and say goodbye in the living room and exit. He would cry so she would take him to the window to wave and watch me walk to my car.  I began saying ‘I love you’ in sign language as a response. His sitter began to hold his hand up with the third and ring fingers folded down, signing back to me.  Eventually, my son and I said our final goodbye in sign, moving our hands to the window to ‘touch’ and kiss goodbye. Today, we still do ‘kissy fingers’ in the car when I drop him off for events.

What can you do about Separation Anxiety?

I was fortunate to have my mother and church friend close when it was time to start leaving my son to run errands or have time for myself. My son was familiar with them. The first time I left my son to go visit my friends; I left him with his father. I was still anxious, but my friends who were all mothers and grandmothers reassured me.

We began to separate for only short periods of time so my son could develop a sense of security with them and a knowledge that I’d return.  In the beginning, they came to my home to add to his security being in his own environment. I would calmly say goodbye and leave, not lingering. Even though he cried in anticipation of my departure, I did not sneak out on him. I felt he needed to know what happened to me, that I was going away and had not disappeared. When I returned to work and he cried, his sitter comforted him physically and with words.  He needed to feel he was still safe.  She would then find an activity to redirect him.  Soon enough, we had developed the routine we used every morning until he started preschool.  We would say goodbye in the living room, giving him a hug and kiss.  I would tell him I’d be back, usually saying that it would be after naptime. I would walk out the door and we’d do kissy fingers through the window.  Then his sitter would take him to the kitchen for breakfast.  Food was, and still is, a happy distraction for him.  It nourishes him and lets him know he is loved.

Separation anxiety, as I’ve mentioned earlier, is really normal. This goes for parents too, it’s normal for them to feel anxious when leaving their baby or toddler with someone else. Just always remember that this kind of separation helps your baby’s development. Separation anxiety is an inevitable part of teaching them to be independent, even just for a day.

The advantages and disadvantages of preschool education can be many and varied according to each parent’s personal expectations and situation.

Preschool Education Advantages

The advantages are that it helps to prepare children for the ‘real world’ preschool education experience. It does this by allowing interaction with other children in the appropriate age group and teaching age appropriate preschool curriculum skills to these children in small groups allowing more one on one and hands on experience with the teacher.  In most cases the teacher is female and the child relates to her as it would its mother. This is a definite advantage to enhancing the learning experience.

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The child is usually first enrolled in a three-year-old preschool education setting. This group setting allows for the child to become accustomed and accept the separation from the mother for short periods of time, usually one half day several days a week. This three-year-old preschool group teaches proper interaction with others in the same age group and some very basic needed skills as sharing, manners, and appropriate playgroup interaction. The child usually remains in this three-year-old preschool group for a period of one school year.

The three-year-old preschool may also be incorporated into the daycare setting for the child if the mother or both parents are working. The child would leave the daycare group and most usually be taken into a separate area with the other preschool children in the age group for the group instruction time. This allows for a sense of pride and growth for the child that they are ‘going to school’.  They usually return to the group in the daycare facility outside the schooling area after the preschool experience ends for the day.

Upon completion of the required course of study for this three-year-old preschool group, the child will usually turn four over the summer break and return to the preschool education /daycare setting or another facility for the four-year-old preschool experience

Preschool Education Disadvantages

The disadvantages of the three-year-old preschool are not many, but can be annoying and provide the setting for a poor preschool experience for the teacher, child and the parents the following year.  The child may not be mature enough at three-years-old to interact with others his or her age.  The child may not be mature enough to be separated from the parents for a length of time several times a week for preschool. Such immaturities would lead to disruption in the classroom, group play and the home if the child is constantly fighting going to school and refusing to perform the desired actions to learn and appropriately interact with the others involved in the preschool education setting.  This type of behavior and immaturity to be separated from the parents can also cause a great deal of distress and distraction for the parents as they feel guilty trying to ‘push’ the child into a setting the child does not wish to be part of.

Preschool Education experiences

The original preschool experience was designed to be just that.  A half day, three days a week, PRE school experience for those four-year-olds who would be old enough to enter Kindergarten the following school year.  The four-year-old preschool experience also serves to identify those four-year-olds who may not be ready for the Kindergarten setting the following year.  In most states, the law allows for late entry into Kindergarten in these situations. The decision is left up to the discretion of the parent after conferencing with the preschool teacher and if needed, the school officials. An advantage to this decision making process is that the school officials have the resources to perform pre Kindergarten testing to help with the decision making process.

The original preschool for four year olds was designed to provide an advantage for those students who attended by instilling a more mature sensibility in the child and better working, listening and playing skills.  There used to be some simple skills required for readiness into an approved Kindergarten program.  These skills were often mastered through the preschool experience.  Some of these skills were learning to be a good listener, not distracting or interrupting others, proper speaking mannerisms and word usage, complete potty training and basic hygiene skills.  Being able to dress themselves, tie their shoes and recognize proper outerwear for inclement weather was also a ‘must’ for Kindergarten.  Can you imagine a Kindergarten teacher with 25 five year-olds having to identify which articles of clothing should or should not be worn to school in certain weather or on certain days, activities permitting?  Not only identification of their own outer wear, but being able to apply their coats, hats, boots, mittens and remove them after returning to the classroom is a requirement for kindergarten, all of which can be enhanced in a preschool setting.

As you read in the above paragraph, I specified the original preschool designations and requirements.  In this century, things are much more advanced and the requirements for entering Kindergarten are much more sophisticated and demanding. Preschool teachers now have the task of teaching some reading skills, letters and phonetics, as well as some math skills just to ready the child for the math and reading required for Kindergarten children today.

Preschool for four-year-olds is usually a longer day and held on more days a week to ready the child for the full day of school which will be expected of him or her the following school year.  Although, many preschools and even kindergartens provide naptime or rest time, and a snack to help with this transition into the fulltime five day a week school when First grade comes into the picture.

The advantages of attending a pre Kindergarten preschool are many. It instills a sense of maturity and growing up in the child who is usually looking forward to ‘big’ school by this age.  The preschool itself is advantageous in what it teaches the child to ready them for Kindergarten.  The play process is refined, the interaction with others of the same age is refined and skills are centered on what the child are good at and what they may excel in rather than just the overall play experience.  Listening skills are demanded, as well as respect and good behavior.

The disadvantages of attending preschool education for four-year-olds may not be as devastating for the people involved, as these children are usually ready for school and proud to be attending. However, in the case of the immature child or a separation anxiety by the parent or child, it can be a great problem to the preschool teacher and the children trying to learn if the child is forced to go to the preschool and stay while being disruptive or behaving otherwise unsatisfactorily.

The only other disadvantage of attending any preschool education is financial. Unless the family qualifies for some free preschool program, the child will need to attend a private Preschool i.e. in a church, and they are costly and may pose a financial burden on the family.  However, it is clear that some type of preschool education is necessary, while not yet legally required, for entrance and satisfactory performance in Kindergarten.

Preschool Education video from YouTube